The Tree of Knowledge...

I know that I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking and rethinking issues. Especially those that concern my "core" beliefs and values. I have this desire to want to make them as strong as possible by systematically picking them a part so I can discover any perceived weaknesses. I have recognized that this is a defense mechanism in my own self being/worth in that if I can discover the problem, properly note it and then deal with it then I've beat others to the punch.

Fallout of this particular methodology is that by dismantling issues and beliefs, there is a opposite reaction to keeping my mind "open" in which all things could be possible. For instance, if there aren't any black or white areas, then all must be gray, and with that means there will always be compelling arguments for either cause. To not ever pick a side is to remain "open-minded" wherein there will always be those who will differ from you in opinion.

I adopted a saying a while back - mainly to be cheeky/funny but it really has a strong element of truth to the sarcasm: "It's easy to be flexible when you don't have a spine." Nice play on an invertebrate joke, but I am finding that it's very true. Your mind can be open to all sorts of possibilities when there isn't any rigidity to your thoughts - but paradoxically, it has an equal and opposite reaction of never settling on a belief structure. It can be a dangerous time.

There is a country song by Aaron Tippin which has the verse: "You've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything". I guess that has some merit in that without any belief structure, what value does the person have to begin with? Isn't critical relational dynamics of trust and bonding based upon this premise of shared convictions (of varying degrees)? Why else would we choose to congregate in religious circles, educational backgrounds, social causes and other like events? People band together because of those like beliefs.

But as I've dealt with my own beliefs and what I truly am looking for to "hang my hat on" per se, is that the more I've spend searching for core structures, the more questions that are actually created. Leaving an ever increasing gap between what is reasonable and what is possibly ultimately unobtainable.

Maybe that is the true purpose of religion in that it at least gives a prestructured belief system that a person can adopt to save themselves the brain damage of recreating the wheel for themselves. Or in that it can be adapted to fit almost any person's viewpoint so that general perspectives and previously learned social behaviors have a legitimate outlet. But I am finding that maybe my quest for answers has really left the foundations of some sort of safety net that in seeking knowledge, the answers may not be what I want to hear.

Kind of like the serpent and the tree in the Garden of Eden where God had commanded Adam and Eve to partake of any of the bounty from the land save for that particular tree. And as they were talked into sampling it's wares and the answers they innocently sought had the dire consequences of being forced out of their beloved garden, to live outside it's boundaries.

Now, with all biblical stories, there are gobs of larger metaphors to be drawn against - such as the loss of innocence could be a symbol for coming of age and that as a child grows older and seeks their own set of truths, the answers provided by that very tree of knowledge are the very same that drive them into their own version of the wilderness. And they spend the rest of their lives trying to recapture that intimacy that they had with God that was so taken for granted.

And maybe that's the very same primal fear we have as parents for our own children where situations that would steal their innocence hearken back to that time when the Children of God were sent out naked into the world and had to learn to fend for themselves.

With Moses wandering in the desert for 40 years only to be guaranteed that he would have a chance to physically see the Promised Land but would not be allowed to actually set foot in the land of his people, that for some of us, we are to lead a remarkable journey in spending most of our lives lost only to not partake in the joys of the reward.

I feel that way at times - in which my own perspectives and thoughts and constant churning of ideas is my own version of the wilderness and that as I take bigger and bigger bites of the Tree in the Garden that the knowledge that I obtain only leads to more questions and I end up being the guy at the bottom of the hourglass trying to catch all of the sand before my own time runs out.

There are times that I wish for simplicity - that I could find happiness in a smaller town with a smaller house and smaller responsibilities. To meet my friends in unelaborate celebrations and raise my children to grow in sheltered environs. I don't think that would change anything. For my perspective has forever been altered by "seeing" what life could be like outside of that small pond. To move back to that style of life would be an outsider looking in even though I am a product of that very same lifestyle.

I have taken my own bite of that apple and I have to not only recognize that I have eaten from the tree, but then accept the consequences of doing such. And that life is full of tremendous joys and it's counterpart of weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Or going back to Moses and being lost. Isn't "being lost" a matter of perspective? Even for the camper lost in the woods - doesn't he know where he is at that very moment according to the small scale (such as I am sitting on a rock next to some trees on a mountain), but as compared to the big picture, that person is known to be in a general area (such as those looking for him know that he is in "x" particular vicinity). Or being lost is a matter of degree - in that if you're lost in a town, you have resources readily available to tap if you ultimately require assistance. But if you're sitting on a mountain top then you don't have much other than what you've got with you.

So combating the ill effects of being lost is to just be prepared - which it to have resources of knowledge, goods or services when you need to employ them to help you get to where you're going. The funny thing is that when you're lost, you don't know where you're going other than you know where you want to be. That is the delta that brings the pain of the situation.

Or maybe the ultimate avoidance of being lost is to never go anywhere or experience anything. That abstinence would surely avoid any unwanted "lost" episodes in your life and would be easy to become an expert on the small details of your life and have the corresponding confidence. But then what is living without experience and you can't gain experience without trying something new - for good or bad?

My stab at it is that you have to learn to manage the knowledge and make decisions that seem reasonable to you. Even if the answer to the question isn't clear cut and could possibly be spun given the proper eloquence of the adversary. That decisions have to be made and just go with your gut on issues. If it seems reasonable then it probably is. And sometimes a proper defense is "I just don't know".

And that, just may be how it really needs to be.