Sometimes interesting thoughts cross my path at very odd hours. Mainly since I don't get to sleep very well any more due to young children and the inheritance of two noisy AM cats so as I'm trying to fall back asleep my mind takes a while to unwind. Even if it's 4a.
This happened this morning and as I've been working to come to terms with my hopes and dreams against my immediate situation, my mind wandered back from my Utopian thoughts to a reality of what I'm doing right now and how I can enjoy this very moment. Sleep deprivation does wonderful things...
First of all - my job. It's no secret - I hate it - but it doesn't mean I can find value in what I'm being asked to do. There are some little opportunities to grow and learn, even if I ultimately feel that it's a dead end. One of the things that has troubled me the most was not feeling a sense of contribution or in that the things that I am being asked to contribute just aren't aligning with what I would like to do.
I was reminded of a quote from the movie Gladiator where Maximus' servant was asked if he likes what he does. He responded: "Sometimes I do what I want to. The rest of the time I do what I have to." It's true enough to make me rethink my position a little bit and just "do what I have to" for the time being.
Secondly - taming the scope of my "hopes and dreams". It's basically the result of letting my mind wander off too far on it's own which only widens the gap between the reality of the current situation and possibility of some future remedy. As that gap grows larger and larger due to dreams left unchecked, hopelessness creeps in and soon the pain from the motivation of changing any of the current situation just seems too daunting to tackle.
I am a big picture thinker and I enjoy swimming around all day long in conjuring up ways of how all things (should) work together. Kind of like my own quest of the "Theory of Everything" and that all things are related somehow. This ability has some positives and it's corresponding negatives (as I've discussed earlier in my postings), but all-in-all, it is my own talent that I am trying to find a home for.
There aren't any job postings (that I've ever seen) for "Resident Daydreamer" so that leaves the actual collective humankind "work" to be done by various technicians of some sort. We all have to find some sort of expertise to adopt and utilize to find employment. I had chosen architecture. The thing with being a technician is that no matter what you're doing, after a while, it's just confining. The joy of the chosen field seems to dissipate quickly as a person becomes more and more involved with the technicalities.
So then it comes back to the quote "Sometimes I do what I want to do. The rest of the time I do what I have to." The do what I want to do part becomes after work activities, hobbies, etc. and the do what I have to becomes just that - doing it for doing it sake. For some reason - and maybe I'm not alone in this - that I just don't like that thought.
I have a hard time imagining just "doing" something as a career for decades on end that didn't satisfy the joy that should be found in a career path. In that we shouldn't just exist in a working environment, but should be thriving.
A friend of mine over coffee this week had pointed out to me that I wasn't a "leaper" meaning I didn't just go do something on a whim or on faith. It's true - I'm not. I fear the consequences of a bad decision and to have "wasted" time pursuing something for ill gain. I wasn't naturally this way to begin with, but as I've been married with children who depend on me, that responsibility doesn't allow for just "leaping" after things that I might find interesting.
I get this feeling that I'm caught in a no-man's land where if I were a "leaper" I could just fire off on a new cause or if I were methodical, I would come up with a rational plan. It feels a lot like being stuck in the ether where there's a lot of floating and the strong desire to pass out.
So how to enjoy today? Maybe it's just taking it day-by-day and looking for the little victories that come from trying your best even if it doesn't completely jive with who you'd like to be. And start working on plans for moving myself to that next level that gets me at least a little closer to aligning expectations and realities.
This happened this morning and as I've been working to come to terms with my hopes and dreams against my immediate situation, my mind wandered back from my Utopian thoughts to a reality of what I'm doing right now and how I can enjoy this very moment. Sleep deprivation does wonderful things...
First of all - my job. It's no secret - I hate it - but it doesn't mean I can find value in what I'm being asked to do. There are some little opportunities to grow and learn, even if I ultimately feel that it's a dead end. One of the things that has troubled me the most was not feeling a sense of contribution or in that the things that I am being asked to contribute just aren't aligning with what I would like to do.
I was reminded of a quote from the movie Gladiator where Maximus' servant was asked if he likes what he does. He responded: "Sometimes I do what I want to. The rest of the time I do what I have to." It's true enough to make me rethink my position a little bit and just "do what I have to" for the time being.
Secondly - taming the scope of my "hopes and dreams". It's basically the result of letting my mind wander off too far on it's own which only widens the gap between the reality of the current situation and possibility of some future remedy. As that gap grows larger and larger due to dreams left unchecked, hopelessness creeps in and soon the pain from the motivation of changing any of the current situation just seems too daunting to tackle.
I am a big picture thinker and I enjoy swimming around all day long in conjuring up ways of how all things (should) work together. Kind of like my own quest of the "Theory of Everything" and that all things are related somehow. This ability has some positives and it's corresponding negatives (as I've discussed earlier in my postings), but all-in-all, it is my own talent that I am trying to find a home for.
There aren't any job postings (that I've ever seen) for "Resident Daydreamer" so that leaves the actual collective humankind "work" to be done by various technicians of some sort. We all have to find some sort of expertise to adopt and utilize to find employment. I had chosen architecture. The thing with being a technician is that no matter what you're doing, after a while, it's just confining. The joy of the chosen field seems to dissipate quickly as a person becomes more and more involved with the technicalities.
So then it comes back to the quote "Sometimes I do what I want to do. The rest of the time I do what I have to." The do what I want to do part becomes after work activities, hobbies, etc. and the do what I have to becomes just that - doing it for doing it sake. For some reason - and maybe I'm not alone in this - that I just don't like that thought.
I have a hard time imagining just "doing" something as a career for decades on end that didn't satisfy the joy that should be found in a career path. In that we shouldn't just exist in a working environment, but should be thriving.
A friend of mine over coffee this week had pointed out to me that I wasn't a "leaper" meaning I didn't just go do something on a whim or on faith. It's true - I'm not. I fear the consequences of a bad decision and to have "wasted" time pursuing something for ill gain. I wasn't naturally this way to begin with, but as I've been married with children who depend on me, that responsibility doesn't allow for just "leaping" after things that I might find interesting.
I get this feeling that I'm caught in a no-man's land where if I were a "leaper" I could just fire off on a new cause or if I were methodical, I would come up with a rational plan. It feels a lot like being stuck in the ether where there's a lot of floating and the strong desire to pass out.
So how to enjoy today? Maybe it's just taking it day-by-day and looking for the little victories that come from trying your best even if it doesn't completely jive with who you'd like to be. And start working on plans for moving myself to that next level that gets me at least a little closer to aligning expectations and realities.
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