Purpose driven life...

I'm listening to a song being played in the Library Coffee House "I hope you find what you're looking for". I don't recognize the artist - and the actual tone of the song is about someone pining over someone who obviously doesn't think the same of them.

But it made me think of what is it that I'm looking for. There are some days that I feel purposed and that the tasks laid out before me actually compile into a reasonable futuristic goal - and there are others where I feel like I'm diligently searching for something else. The problem usually is in that situation it typically feels like looking for a needle on the floor of a gymnasium.

And in that, I'm not really sure what the needle looks like or if I've seen it already.

There are some things that are in flux these days. I'm finding myself pulling further away from wanting to attend church. I have to qualify this as I've become more public to my friends with these feelings - especially those that are my dearest friends but have a completely different take on religious faith and how it plays out in their own lives. I am not really sad about this transition for me - more than anything it's anxiety over finding myself in a situation where I feel I need to explain how I've derived this path from intensely personal self evaluation. And to download people who even know me fairly well, it's a lot to wing out there for both me and them.

And there is a tinge of guilt because in some way I feel that I may encroach on their own feelings of faith. Again - it's not that I'm on any course of condemning faith - but that I'm finding that at this point in my life, it's not a space I'm feeling very comfortable with and I just am choosing not to participate.

It also hangs a pretty big "what-do-we-do-now" between my wife and I as we determine what's the best path for the kids. I don't really know what that impact would be at this point in their lives other than church is simply another play date with other kids their age and any attempted indoctrination is generally misunderstood or ignored.

What I'm finding more and more interesting is the impact my faith - my personal feelings and interpretations - actually have on the lives of other people. And I wish it just weren't so.

Like for some reason of not being a church attending kind of guy that somehow has some bearing on any change in my moral character. I can assure you, that I haven't changed - only my being public has opened that door.

Nor do I want my friends to somehow edit what they're thinking or would like to share. I strongly believe that religious faith is a walk between that person and their belief of what is real and what isn't. By withdrawing it doesn't mean that I am now somehow offended by this notion.

But I do find myself a stranger in a strange land. I had a wonderful opportunity to reunite with a long lost friend of mine this past weekend and we had a great conversation about the roles our religious experiences have lead to this point in our lives. Come to find out that we shared quite a bit in common about how we felt now, even with remarkably similar upbringings.

The closest to how I feel right now is that feeling post breakup from a long term relationship where the current reality of that person not being there and a lot of my memories are from that period in my life but a feeling of optimism in that I'm following my heart and striving to be true to how I feel - instead of boxing latent feelings into a Stepford method of conformity. It doesn't make it easy since within that same analogy, all of my friends are in a relationship and I now find myself as the newly minted single in a room full of couples. It's both liberating and lonely all rolled up into one.

But I'm not trying to be different for difference sake nor am I looking to make a statement or to draw attention to myself purposely by being public with this. This blog of mine has served more as a conduit to just get these thoughts somewhat organized and off my chest (as you can tell from my entries, I have a lot of other things that are on my mind).

I believe that my life is a holistic venue. That my career choice, family, activities, thoughts, etc. are all part of a single purpose and that there must be some harmony in this approach. The imbalance of cornering feelings that don't make sense in the overall picture are, to me, useless activities. Whatever my religious perspective is, it has to fit the overall picture of who "Ryan" is.

It really is a search for the energy to uncover and pursue who I am. To unearth those passions in that the energy that I have feeds on itself empowering all aspects of my life.

Since I have spent my career (thus far) in some form of construction - there are typically three parts to a building:

1. The foundation: this is the unsexy part of the building but the most critical. It supports the entire purpose of the structure and gives it long lasting viability. No one ever invites friends over to review their foundations of their home, and with that it can be taken for granted.
2. The infrastructure: this is the actual walls, floors and roof that allows the building to serve it's function. It is highly dependent on the foundation for it's direction and capability.
3. The furnishings: these are the luxuries that come from the completed infrastructure. Once the walls/floors/ceilings are in place, now you have a place to hang the flat screen TV. These are the things that people seem to be most interested in and tend to want to skip over items #1 and #2 so that this area can be shown off. But in the end, furnishings without a solid foundation and a proper infrastructure of delivery aren't very good. It's like the guy who owns the Ferrari but lives in a shack. It just doesn't make sense to me.

I feel that I am currently shoring up and rebuilding my foundation so that, in the long run, I will have the strength and capability to have developed the infrastructure to ultimately enjoy the quality of the luxurious furnishings of my life. I don't want that to be a race to a preconceived retirement age, but to have laid forth the purpose of a lifetime of achievement. For what measure that impact will ultimately have, I do not know nor will I estimate, but I do know that without the investment in the tedious work of foundation research and development, I will not active the goals that swim around my mind on most days. I have to give myself the chance.

And how religion will ultimately play into that equation is yet to be seen.