Religion (part 2)

Thanks to those of you who have either talked to me directly about my blog posting "Losing my religion" or who took time to write a comment. I've been wrestling with writing any more on this subject since then and as my friends and family have stepped up to give their opinion of direction it has given me a chance to pause and think.

In all honesty, there is a part of personality that would just like to tell people what they really want to hear - that everything is fine and that my religious life is back on track. To avoid the conflict of differences of perspective that I find myself on the short end of the debate team. I don't want to think I'm the only one out there that has deep rooted issues that aren't resolving themselves and taking short answers like "it's just the way that God made it" are, in my humble opinion, dismissive. But, maybe I am.

This grinds at a foundational, core values that all of us have in some degree or another. Belief structures that were indoctrinated into our early childhood years (or for some, later on in life) that seem to fill the holes in an otherwise very chaotic world. It has demonstrated to me that our lives are truly fragile - not only physically, but emotionally - as if one simple wind of change could derail an entire lifetime of belief of what is real and not real.

Or better yet that our interpretation of individual perspective. Such as if a crime was committed in front of several people and that each person that witnessed the event would have slightly different take on the facts that unfolded before them. I would argue that it's a similar circumstance at a church service with some that are experiencing a supernatural event and others that just don't seem to connect - even though they all saw the same thing.

And maybe part of my issue is the definitiveness of the Holy Bible. In that we are not to judge but only God the Father has that right. But, by our sinful nature, we are evidently prone to sin (since were were born into sin) to do the exact opposite of God's will. To say that good people who don't know Christ to spend their eternities in Hell seems ludicrous to me. In some ways, it would be better to have never heard the Gospel and live a good life than it it is to have had some indoctrination and not measure up. It's a life filled of could've, would've, should've that only seems to be erased by the blanket statement that God loves everyone so it really doesn't matter.

So God loves all of us unconditionally - but there are conditions of which we find ourselves in His good graces - living a Christ centered life and making ourselves as much like Christ as possible. Wherein Christ is God and wherein we can never measure up so there will always be a gap in performance. There will always be things of which we will need to be judged in our hour before the Lord in Heaven. So I hope we all have our rebuttals together (which won't matter anyway in that court).

For me, God has always felt like a national monument in which we get to travel to and admire from afar - like of Mt. Rushmore. But He's always somewhere other than where I am. I don't feel His presence, I don't feel like my prayers are being heard - I feel like I'm talking to myself or for the benefit of others. So a personal relationship with Christ is just about as foreign to me as having one with Mt. Rushmore.

I do feel that religion (in any form) has and inherent need in all lives of humans. Even if a person is about as anti-God as possible, there still lies the basic structure of belief in something that we do not understand. Love is a perfect example (and typically used as argument fodder) in that we know it exists but isn't tactile (I would argue that it is since love can be transmitted directly through human contact - body language, physical touch, even words - spoken and written). Or parts of science - such as I can't see how a nucleus holds electrons and protons but all matter is made up of it (and I know that someone out there has seen it first hand). It is still a belief in something that sounds reasonable but I don't fully understand.

But when God isn't here in physical form(s) to interact with - it becomes as vague as worshiping protons around a nucleus - and that seems to take all of the steam right out of it.

And maybe I am a person that needs to touch, feel and interact. One had mentioned to me that I need to go where God is - such as volunteer at a homeless shelter. I mentioned to them that giving of my time to a worthy cause doesn't make me a Christian - especially where there are plenty of non-Christian entities that can do that very same work. And now on further reflection that it is still a trip to see God somewhere other than here. I guess I want to interact where He says He is (everywhere).

Now, to my deep rooted believing friends who have endured this posting to this point - I do not want to take away from any feelings of personal relationship that you may have or experience. I would like to believe that I am a unique case that may need further study to determine final outcome - and there is part of me that feels guilty for possibly being a vehicle for doubt in your own life. That is truly not my intention.

I don't know when (or if) this will resolve for me in any time soon. It makes it very difficult to attend church or volunteer with Christian organizations when I feel my own foundation is so shaky. It should be passion in which I can share with vigor, but for me right now, it's about as neutral as it gets. Like my brother says: "You're Switzerland" - it's true, but I don't like be a fence post sitter.

I'll keep you posted as this gets chewed on again for another while...